The Lethal Combination of Toxic Relationships and Addiction (2024)

I choose to use the word “toxic” quite intentionally, even as there is a growing chorus not to use that word in reference to people. The argument is that it becomes too easy to reduce people to certain traits or qualities that bother or offend us. This then provides the justification for not engaging with those people (at best) and demonizing and dehumanizing them (at worst). I acknowledge there is something quite right about this worry. However, I believe the word has an appropriate and powerful application that is related to its original meaning.

“Toxic” derives from the Greek “toxikos,” which pertains to arrows and archery. Some arrows were dipped in poison. While the poison dimension remains of the word “toxic,” I want to reclaim the original “arrow as weapon” element. Two or more people can be involved in a toxic relationship when they aim weapons (emotional, physical, social, and spiritual) at one another to cause harm. This seems to me exactly what a toxic relationship is. Moreover, this leaves room for the ways in which a person can be in a toxic relationship with her own self. Each of us can shoot ourselves with those same arrows. It is not so much a matter of a person being poisonous but rather what a person does to others or her own self that is toxic. Relationships can be toxic without the individuals within them being venomous or noxious.

SUDs and Toxic Relationships With Others

Substance use disorders (SUDs) and toxic relationships can be intricately connected, often mutually influencing one another to bad effect. Studies show there is a strong correlation between Intimate partner violence (IVP), which is arguably the most toxic form of a relationship, and SUDs. People who are abused are more likely to develop a SUD, perhaps because consuming substances becomes a method to cope or to lessen stress, anxiety, fear, and trauma. Abusers may also compel their victim to drink or use along with them, which may accelerate the development of a SUD. The one who is abused often becomes highly attuned to the drinking and using patterns of the abuser, especially when that use causes violence. She may try to create an environment in which nothing upsets the abuser, even as she realizes that anything and everything is a possible irritant.

People who are struggling with an SUD may be especially vulnerable to toxic relationships. At their most severe, SUDs can greatly affect cognitive abilities and emotional regulation during active use times and beyond. People in this condition may make impulsive choices far removed from their best interests. Abusers are often highly adept at blaming their victims; victims internalize that blaming mechanism. Blaming themselves for the behavior of others can also worsen drinking and using patterns. Abused people may also believe they do not deserve anything better and become resigned to their circ*mstances, adopting a fatalistic attitude that there is absolutely nothing they can do that will make a difference.

In toxic relationships where both partners have an SUD, one partner deciding to change behaviors may find little support from the other. Moreover, there may be open antagonism and hostility about change; sabotage may become the new means of control. The choice to change using patterns may be perceived as an act of disloyalty or even a kind of intimate treason. This may increase the risk of additional and even new forms of abusive behavior.

SUDs and Toxic Relationship to Yourself

A SUD can also be a toxic relationship with one’s own person; we can suffer greatly from self-inflicted wounds. Many of the wounds a person can inflict on another can be directed at herself. Alcohol and drugs may offer a temporary reprieve, but the bill for their use will always come due, along with hefty penalties. As her own judge, jury, and executioner, she has no place to hide. This is a special torment that may drive the increasing use of those substances. As a SUD progresses, a person may find herself acting in ways she despises, causing recrimination and shame. She may become adept at self-sabotage, which fuels a vicious cycle of resentment and self-denigration. She may cast off people, activities, and dreams that had been important because they interfere with her use. Parts of herself may become hostile to one another; one’s mind, body, and spirit may be in open warfare with each other. At its worst, a SUD causes a person to lose one’s own self. It is a form of self-annihilation.

Toxic relationships and SUDs separately and combined damage self-trust and trust in others. We often fail to take our own needs, wants, and hopes seriously while giving too much concern to others. We tell ourselves that our beliefs, wants, hopes, and dreams don’t matter. At the darkest hours, we may believe that our life is not worth living. Psychologist William James (1842-1910) suggests that even the slightest glimmer of belief that it is worth living will help to bring about the fact that it is worth living. Where possible and safe, those who have made it into recovery or made a life away from abusive relationships may be glimmers for those still suffering.

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